funny the way it is

can i call myself funny?

i know i can’t call myself smart (because it’s not really true) or talented (again, not true) or pretty (don’t start, okay? i know what societal norms are!) but can i call myself funny?

i feel, sort of, like humor is my consolation prize. i can’t sing, I can’t do math, I can’t do sports, i can’t even adhere to societal standards of punctuation. it’s just not how i’m wired. but gosh darn it, i can make a joke about any and all of my shortcomings at any given moment and even in one fell swoop.

its a swing and a miss right here in those 3 categorieeeeeeesss (off key)

i know life isn’t the sims and you don’t get an allotted amount of talent that some unknown force assigns to certain categories (attractiveness, friendliness, length of time you can go without peeing in the middle of the street and crying about it, other sims references, etc) but i do truly believe that it was kind of God to make me funny in spite of all the talent i lack in other areas.

so yeah, darnit, i’m funny.

and now i’m going to talk about being a girl, so buckle up, liberals, conservatives, communists, anarchists, scientologists — any potentially-offended groups.

girls don’t really get a lot of praise for being funny. actually, they’re pretty much always torn down.

i’ve never had anyone tell me “you’re a girl so you’re not funny,” but i’ve had people tell me it’s not attractive for girls to demand attention.

if you’re a girl and you’re the center of attention, you’re trying to flirt with someone. or you’ve done something bad. and you need to be taken down. sometimes by a butthurt dude, but mostly by a jealous lady.

ladies, let’s all conspire to build each other up, yes? if more of us are allowed to be funny, more of us will be seen. and more of us will be respected. and we won’t even have to think about other girls getting more attention than us because guess what! girls can be funny, not at the expense of other girls!

i know, i know. we’re past the point where we are supposed to think as women that our jobs are only to cook, clean and conceive. and thank god because i just burned a frozen dinner in my microwave (which i think might be haunted? it keeps making a howling noise. more on that later. probably broken. probably my fault. don’t want to close the door on haunted, though.) i’m allergic to dust and most supplies used to clean it up, and i have not yet tried the third thing but the odds don’t look good.

[transitional sentence redacted due to lack of creativity]

my first crush was on this guy who sat in front of me in science class in sixth grade. i did not fully know what his face looked like — only the back of his head — but i knew he was funny. that’s all it took for me to be in love with this guy for like three years.

okay, i know, that’s concerning that i have that capability. that’s a different blog post! but how come it’s not taboo to have a thing for a weird looking guy with a sense of humor, like, it’s cool that I am VERY into pete holmes. but wait, if a guy has a crush on amy poehler, that’s totally weird. that’s a confession.

i know that being quirky on the surface and deeply troubled on the inside is a ticking time bomb for me. but i also know that i have chronic funny girl disease when it comes to men.

And though I may be all wrong for the guy
I’m good for a laugh.
I guess it’s not funny…

and not to complain about the friend zone and all, because consent, respect, no one owes me anything, blah blah blah. but like, mom. just so you know. when i die alone, it wasn’t because you failed to raise me right. it’s because i’m no one’s type! ha ha !

my worth isn’t dependent on whether or not a dude signs on to deal with this until his death, i know!

this is taking a dark turn. let’s bring some optimism back into the game with a childhood reference.

my first catchphrase was “you’re funny, but looks aren’t everything!”

yes it was in elementary school. yes i did hear it from my kid neighbor. yes i did laugh quietly to myself about it while i spent 8 hours a day playing pokemon on my pink gameboy advance. you’re getting it now. i’m a giant cliche.

but i think that phrase is still really important. because it’s used as a response to a different insult. and the best thing you can do when someone gets you down, even if their insult is entirely true, is get into their heads and make them laugh. bring them a bit of joy. even if you aren’t smart or pretty or talented or anything else, you can make em laugh.

i’ve always been a little more awkward than everyone else, a little less good at doing my hair, a little chubbier than the ideal. all these things are detrimental to my image as a Good Female. but i’ve always made a way to make light of it.

making people laugh is getting in their heads. it’s like mind-reading with a dash of witchcraft because you elicit a physical reaction in them.

that’s so much power. even if you’re a girl.

even if boys don’t like it and girls don’t like you for it.

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